Please bear with me. I was struggling with whether I should break this up into two, but feel it needs to stay together.

Times are different now… Is that the biggest understatement of the century? Probably, since we’re only about 17 years in.

Since when did it become life threatening to have a merry-go-round on the playground? (I’m not saying tragedy and horrible things don’t happen.) Since when is it soul crushing if you didn’t win a medal in a race or the science fair?

Since when do we take on the hardships of our children so they don’t have to “deal” with life?

Believe me, I have a list and can go on, but will spare you.

I remember when I was young thinking “I want better for my kids when I have them.” Don’t we all?

But then the questions are – Since when does better mean taking away the hard stuff? Since when is better doing for them? Since when is better making it all easy and lowering the bar for them to not have something to reach for?

It’s not that I wanted my kids to “suffer.” Albeit, I’m sure from their perspective that’s exactly what my goal was. My rules were too strict. Boy did I struggle with that one. Little did they know (see some things our kids don’t need to know…) Little did they know, I second guessed and questioned myself all the way through.

I have a memory of my son sitting on the couch shaking in fear and crying because I wouldn’t “take this burden from him.” Here’s the task he was given… In Boy Scouts, the Scout needs to call the leader that mentors for a badge and set up an appointment with them. My son, at this point, was terrified to make this phone call. It would have been the easiest thing in the world for me to pick up the phone, and take this fear from him. But would I have been doing him any favors?

The quick answer is, “No.”

The longer version…

I sat with him and worked through a list of “what’s the worst that could happen?” Of course, within the parameters of reality. (Ahem… my son has a vivid imagination.) Then we worked through… “If this happens, this is how you can handle it, and we set up a plan for each “fear.” He did finally make that phone call. And I’m happy to say, he survived. Still living, breathing, and getting ready to say “I do” in the fall. AND, the icing on the cake. He. Still. Loves. Me.

What were the benefits of letting him push through his fear?

Think about it. Have you ever had a “Rocky Balboa” moment in your life? Any kind of feeling of overcoming a tough situation and stepping to the other side, and just leaping for joy with the sense of pride in your accomplishment? For the younger generation who doesn’t know Rocky, it’s a huge moment of triumph that makes you just want to shout at the top of your lungs “I DID IT!!! YES!!!”

If I would have made that phone call for him, I would have deprived him of “his” moment. I would have taken away a chance for him to recognize that “he can do it.”

I then proceeded, over time, to watch him grow. Did he run into fears again? Of course. But, he used the tools he was taught and remembered the things he accomplished, survived, and he pushed himself, stretched himself, and challenged himself to become the remarkable young man he is.

Another story? Our daughter had a lead foot. Didn’t matter how many times we warned her to slow down, she still managed to creep over the speed limit. What teen doesn’t have this need for speed? It’s powerful being allowed behind the wheel of something that moves faster than your bicycle. Finally one day, my husband said to her, (paraphrased of course) “You know, if you’re not going to listen to us, one day you’re going to listen to the ticket you’ll be given.”

She drove herself to prom. Came home that night. Walked in the door with a balloon in her hand. She said “Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is I had a great time. The bad news is, I got a ticket on my way home.” Hmmmm…

I just looked at her and said, “I’m so glad you had a great time. I’d love to hear about it. About the ticket, you’ll be taking care of that.” And she did. I went with her. She did all the talking. Paid the fee, and managed to be on probation for the next six months to hopefully keep from having points put on her record. She made it. But she also had something to look back on. Something she managed to walk through, and handle on her own.

It’s experience in life that makes us who we are. If we take all the “bad” experiences out of our children’s lives, what will be their perspective as adults?

Here’s my point. Better doesn’t mean making it easier. It means raising that bar, and helping them reach for the stars. You do this when they’re younger, and you will watch them soar.

See… Just because you can bail them out when their going gets tough doesn’t mean you should. Is this not setting them up to be disappointed that there is no easy button to press when they reach adulthood?

Romans 5:3-5 – Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings (hardships), because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

And so I thought this writing was done, and yet…

Just Because He Can Doesn’t Mean He Should…

I guess there’s a reason I was unsettled as to whether I should post this or not. I guess there was more to this story than I realized.

I had an “aha” moment last night, and knew I had to continue.

Just as we see what is best for our children, and do our level best to do right by them. Teach them about the Lord. Teach them manners. Teach them about consequences. They come to us asking for things. We don’t always give them what they ask for. We don’t always bail them out.

In the same way, as we go to the Lord in prayer, as we build our relationship with Him, let’s face it, we ask for things.

We ask for healing for us or others. We ask for better jobs. We ask for provision of things we need. The list of needs… and wants… is endless. We get frustrated at times because these needs and/or wants aren’t provided. Some continue, some lose hope. Some get angry. Quite frankly some needs and wants aren’t petty. They’re HUGE, and sometimes feel emotionally and physically insurmountable. Some people get angry when their “answer” wasn’t what they asked for.

I’m not sure if I shared this epiphany in a writing before, but it bears repeating.

As my daughter was “growing” through her teen years, we hit some bumps in the road. During the first big hurdle (opportunity to grow) I tore myself to pieces (it’s what I tended to do) and I questioned my parenting skills through her life, “What could I have done differently?” “What did I do wrong?” “What did I do to push her away?” “What…” (Of course it’s not always about us. It’s about them and their journey, and things they need to learn.) I remember writing my heart down in my journal. “Lord, I just want her to want to come to me. I just want her to want to hear me. I just want her to want to…” Fill in the blank. You know what I’m talking about. But as I was writing that in my journal, my heart quickened, I got goose bumps, and I heard/felt words flow over me… “That’s all I want.” That’s all He wants from us. He wants us to want to spend time with him (prayer). He wants us to want to listen to Him/His words (the Bible). He just wants us to want to have a relationship with Him.

See just because He can instantaneously answer our prayers, doesn’t mean He should… Just as we know allowing our children to work through their frustrations, or leap over those hurdles set before them to make them stronger, God absolutely knows what it will take to strengthen us. (And whatever it will take is different for everyone.) He’s raising the bar, and watching us reach for the stars.

I’m not saying He causes these struggles in our lives. But I DO know He’s there with us as we walk through our valleys. And He’s there with us, when we triumph, to help us celebrate.

Sometimes this wait is long, and sometimes it’s short. But all I know is my hope is in Him.

Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.